Because when Charlie Brown’s teacher yelps, Wah-wah-wah wah wah-wah,
she points at the desk telling him to get his rocks off; females won’t fancy such
a soiled collection of contaminants.
Because when she proclaims, Wah wah-wah-wah-wah wah wah, she explains
to Lucy the importance of acting like a young lady, and to stop playing outside
with an assortment of balls; boys don’t like girls with dirty knees.
Because when she murmurs, Wah-wah-wah-wah- wah wah, she instructs Linus
to stop yapping about fictitious holiday icons and finish reading the reality in his
Science book, pages pertaining to petrified wood and other hard objects.
Imagine that—rusty dusty trombone voice woman making such suggestive
demands of her students. But there are times when she says things just as shocking:
Wah-wah-wah wah-wah-wah wah-wah states, Billy goats urinate on their
own heads to smell more attractive to females.
Wah wah wah wah wah wah means, to avoid predators, a mother Slow
Loris licks her offspring with poison before sending them off to search for
Wah wah-wah-wah wah translates to, upon reaching adulthood, a certain
type of jellyfish can transform itself back to childhood by converting its
cells, repeating this process so that it may live forever.
And the day she could take no more, when the kids simultaneously acted
out their best exploding mitochondria impressions she snapped, WAH!
WAH! WAH! The exorbitant amount of students failing in school is directly
attributed to the deterioration of the family unit!!!
Charlie Brown got rocks in his bag for Halloween,
because someone has to be Charlie Brown.
Lucy started pulling the football away
(after she overheard her mom talking on the phone),
because her dad “pulled the rug out” from them when he left.
And Linus lies down all night in a field of wishful thinking:
fetal position, thumb in mouth, blanket covering his cold body,
because he’s waiting for a Great Pumpkin
that never shows up.
(to be published in Pear Noir!)