And when you came out of the closet in the wake of your not quite
middle-age newly regained prime-time success, I finally stopped believing
in the notion that teenagers actually could be doctors. Even though
I don’t know you personally, I take offense to you keeping your true
sexuality a secret from me all these years. And what about Wanda?
How must she feel learning her adolescent onscreen boyfriend faked
kisses that gave credibility to teenage love? I believed in you Doogie.
Every Wednesday night at 8:30 you gave hope to guys like me, not
the best looking or coolest, but nice guys who stood for something.
And now you kneel for something else. Now I question the validity of everything
elseI learned growing up: Does distance times rate actually equal time? Are
tomatoes really fruits? Is the Pythagorean Theorem just some Greek code
invented to satisfy some fancy pants’s fetish with the alphabet and redundancy?
You lied Boy Genius, all the way into 90’s sitcom lore and Emmy award
show host today. Don’t t you see, I can’t forgive you. You broke my heart.
Because Doogie Howser, is gay.
(originally published at Zygote in My Coffee)